Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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