Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
