Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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