I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
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just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize