just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
