I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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