I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
