so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
