I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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