Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
