My first STD was from a foam party
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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