It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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