She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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