obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
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