i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
