I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
