Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
