Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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