Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
