At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
