Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
