i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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