the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
