So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
