Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
