The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
