I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
