just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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