how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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