No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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