so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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