I cannot find my penis.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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