I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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