the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
