I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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