Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
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She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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