he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have peed in a lot of sinks
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
