That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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