Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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