And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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