we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
