R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Randomize
