I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
