Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
thus making me awesome and them whores
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
