I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he shaved USA in his pubs
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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