im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
