We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
