3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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