she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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