i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
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If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
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Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.