Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
