I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
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chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
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I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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