I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
