I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
