I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Is Oprah even human
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
