Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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