I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
