Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
