Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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