Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i was born a porn star she said
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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